"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..." That's a line in a song that I'll never forget because it's true. Ironically enough, every time I think about blogging it's because of a new beginning and large transition. Some may say I've had more of those than the average person at my age. Who is to say what is normal in life?
I've made all of my decisions, some may not have been the best and some hurt people along the way. In the end, regardless of everything I've been through, I do not have many regrets. I wish no one else got hurt but in reality the sequence of events is all what led me to here and now. I've thought about it so many times but there's really no literal way that where I am now would be possible without everything I went through. A different version of it, maybe yes, but I don't want a different version.
17 is when my life really changed. The death of a very close friend rearranged everything I had ever thought I knew about life. Perspectives change, people change, the world was changing and our country was at war. Fast forward to turning 18 and being with the one person I had wanted to be with for years and years, the one I believed and convinced myself I was meant to be with. Naturally, and for good reason, my parents didn't agree and decided the only "solution" was to send me across the country because of my deceitful actions...
This one decision can arguably be the best and worst decision that they ever made for me, no one will ever know. It's often discussed how it would be like if they let me stay on the East Coast, go to college as planned, and live my life. There's no use wondering. What did happen, is that one person came across the country to be with me- which is the next turning point...
Slowly but surely, my parents fears came true. I was elated to be engaged and get married at 19; thinking the fairytale we had talked about for eight years was finally a reality. Having my first physical/abusive altercation on my honeymoon in Hawaii though?- definitely not something I would have ever wanted, imagined, or believed. Thus it began- two of the craziest and most turbulent years of my life. The cycle of domestic abuse is a vicious one and I would leave, go back, leave just like a statistic. Realistically I could write a book on those two years alone...
After going back and forth across the country, after losing friendships, after losing jobs, and after almost losing my life all due to this one person- I somehow had the strength to leave. There's three people in my life at that time (2 that are still in my life and always will be) that helped me with love, support, and encouragement...so I testified, and two days later I was on a plane back across the country- for safety and to start over, again...
Of course no one can go through what I went through (charges included A&B, A&B w/ a deadly weapon, kidnapping, sexual assault, rape, threats of murder, and more..) and not have side effects. I started going out with friends constantly and was in a rebound relationship quickly. In my eyes, I was 21 and free. All that mattered to me was being alive and being able to do what I wanted- even if that meant drinking, partying, clubbing, and going to work the next day...
Eventually I leave the rebound relationship, realizing it's not what I needed and it was time to focus- I had to go to college, had to put more effort in my job, and try to comprehend what had happened that year. However clubbing persisted on the weekends and led me to meet someone and go home with him that night, of course sleeping together. This was something I had never done but I kept telling myself he was different. For some reason it did not feel wrong...maybe it was because we were from the same area across the country, or because he was older with an education and more of the type of man I knew I'd one day be with. Physically he was not my type at all but there was something about him that attracted me...
I decide to get my life together. I saw the guy from the club just once more but there was no continual communication. For fear of being a "booty call" I ignored his later attempts to reach me. It was time to focus. Imagine my surprise when I realize my period is late, something I hadn't had time to think about. The only unprotected sex I thought I'd had was weeks earlier with my ex boyfriend. My surprise turned to shock when I took a test and realized that I really was pregnant...
What went through my mind would be impossible to describe, there was a plethora of emotions, worries, wonders; a baby was being formed inside of me. That's what I kept marvelling at- after everything, after all the heartache and drama I had been through- after all of the insanity- and just at the very beginning of trying to get back on track, I find out I'm bringing a life into this world. Friends on the East Coast (where I grew up) were supportive, telling me if anyone could do it- it was me, that I'd be able to handle it, that my family (who I had extremely struggled with due to the abusive relationship) would eventually accept it...on the West Coast, where I was living, friends encouraged an abortion- saying I wouldn't be able to go to school, afford a kid, etc. One thing I knew was that everything happens for a reason, and if I was going to be a single Mom than so be it- but I was definitely bringing my child into this world..
Which I did do, and not a day goes by that I'm not beyond grateful for my daughter. She has made my life even better and changed me in so many ways. Watching a human being grow and develop, one that you created- is indescribable. Doing it alone however, hurts. My family was across the country and by this time, luckily, I had different friends. Life is different when you're 21 and pregnant though. My ex boyfriend did nothing but promise and promise- all false promises. We would be in touch, lose touch, and it was extremely hard...my mother was the only one there for my daughter's birth, and two days later she had to fly back East..
People used to always tell me how strong I was, how good of a job I was doing taking care of my daughter alone-especially while also in college full time (started when she was 4wks old). What people didn't know was how some nights I could do nothing but cry and wonder how in the world I was going to do this. I rarely got sleep, was always running on low energy, and nothing mattered about me anymore. My everything was my daughter. I could have slept for 3hrs but that didn't change that she needed me to feed her, change her, play with her, etc- so that's what I did and I did my best to be the best for her.
Besides the physical exhaustion, lack of resources/support, lack of people to relate to, I couldn't believe our situation...we were living downtown in a studio and I was a single Mom, I knew she deserved more than that. I was raised better than that. She had people who showered her with their love but nothing would be able to replace a father's love and as much as I tried- I could never fully be both. It broke my heart to see other Father's with their daughters and wonder when and if she'd ever have that opportunity she deserved. I had resigned to being single, in my mind all I really needed was my daughter. It was impossible for me to get close enough to a guy anyways, I was convinced I'd get hurt eventually...the few men I ever fully trusted hurt me in multiple ways.
The battle with her alleged father was a long and continuous one, more dramatic than need be. I begged for a DNA test since day one because I had no doubts. The child support process started very late and took even longer. He saw her once at 3wks old and then never again, amidst more promises of money, time, love, etc. Finally, when she was 18mths a DNA test was performed through the court. I couldn't wait for the results, I kept thinking "this is it"...all my friends and I joked about how now he would have to take action because he'd have no excuses- that he and his family would finally know she was his. I'll never forget how my heart literally dropped the night I got the results and read that he is eliminated from the possibility of being her father. Everything changed...
It took a while to process, there was just too much. Letting go of the "alleged father" was fine and easy but all I could think about was what I felt was wasted time. Immediately I knew, the man I went home with from the club was it- he was her Dad. This thought honestly never seriously crossed my mind...I thought it would be impossible due to when I found out and everything lined up with the first date of conception (by the ex bf). Turns out I found out I was pregnant at two weeks, very rare. Step one was getting over the fact who I had firmly believed was her father, was not and that it was my fault all along that she did not know her Dad for those 18mths...the second step would be notifying her real Dad, and third step would be telling family/friends- something I've never been so scared to do. The most important was telling her real Dad.
Go figure, the phone that had his number was broken, which began a search. Luckily my best friend in the world (one of the 3 from earlier, also my daughter's Godmother) helped me since she was one of the very few who knew everything. I sent him a message on myspace, then an email...and waited. Those few days were agonizing. I couldn't imagine anything- I was continuously asked, "How are you going to tell him?" "What are you going to say?" "What do you want him to do?" "What if he is back East?"...I couldn't think of anything though. I decided I would just tell him immediately and be honest- and that's the furthest I could possibly imagine, and truly I was terrified.
One night when I went to sleep, instead of putting my phone on vibrate as usual, I put the ringer high. It was a Wednesday, my grandmother's birthday, and I just felt different. That night I also wrote in my journal, something I hadn't done since I got the news because I was avoiding having to confront it in writing. I did and as usual it helped lift a weight off my shoulders. When my phone rang at 1am, I thought I was dreaming....when it beeped from a voicemail with a number of the East Coast state I'm from, I was speechless. "It's him, it has to be..", I thought. I probably listened to his voicemail three times before calling him back. I was in shock thinking I was dreaming. Despite how late it was, I called him back without even thinking about what to say and as it rang I could feel every part of me shaking..
We talked and I told him. Since the second I told him, nothing he has said and/or done ever crossed my mind. He immediately accepted the news, did not get angry and even made plans to see her the next day. Not only did the conversation go so well that I cried from disbelief/happiness, but he emailed me after the conversation- I was so amazed I remember trying three times to respond before giving up. Truly, I was speechless- and skeptical. Granted, he took the news so well at first but I was waiting for reality to hit and for him to fall back and get scared...
Amazingly, he didn't. He saw her and instantly fell in love with her. A whirlwind began and we were all together as much as possible. We were talking continuously, ideas like moving in together were being mentioned, and my daughter was increasingly developing and changing thanks to his involvement. We took a little vacation, which I was scared about- basically playing house for 3 days which turned into 4/5. One morning we woke up, with our daughter in between us (we had not had sex) and all I could think was "This is it, this is what I want and what she deserves.." A while later when telling me how he felt and what he was thinking, he said "Let me put it this way, I can picture waking up to you every morning"...as could I.
As if it wasn't crazy enough, the day he met our daughter was also the day I got accepted to transfer into a school that would keep me in this area (I had been planning on another school 5hrs away) and he got his job that was in the city we were currently living in. We both planned/needed to move around the same time but I was adamant to not move based on convenience factors, that there had to be something real between us.
From day one I continuously said I was happy and ecstatic for him to be her father because he's an incredible man. He's everything I'd ever want for my daughter and for myself it seemed to good to be true that a relationship was developing; that somehow we could be together, and truly be a family. Fate is funny but I do believe in it more now if I ever didn't before. Here we are, months later and already in our home- we moved in together and are a family.
Some people must think we're crazy. Our families both accepted the news and everyone has their opinions but in the end, they're happy we're happy. This is what I've always dreamed and would never have anticipated happening so soon. It hasn't been the easiest thing and of course there are natural difficulties. If anyone can do it though, I think it's us. While life is full of endings and beginnings, I hope this one never ends...
